Senior Complex Raided

Shady Treeside Senior Living Facility, MD - Acting on an anonymous tip about child abuse, the Shady Treeside Senior Living Facility was raided yesterday.

Despite the apparent lack of children living at the facility, police officials armed with sniper rifles and tanks rolled into the assisted living facility to serve a warrant based on a phone call from a reported minor named Nunya Bidness that residents were abusing children in the complex. Ms. Bidness stated that residents were involved in a plot to torture and abuse children by denying them the most basic of resources and forcing them to participate in ritualistic games.

Residents were rounded up with the assistance of local ambulances and taken to a shelter where the men were separated from the women. Officials remained at the complex to search for the abused children, using the tank to demolish homes in search of hiding places and tunnels.

The cult apparently met every Wednesday in a large temple-like complex where little balls were spun in a cage and random letter number combinations were called out. A specialist in demonic cults and child abuse speculated that the residents were using this method to assign the members with children and the type of torture they would endure. It was speculated that a hospital bed in the complex was surely used to have sex with these children.

Mrs. Claudia St. John, 81, one of the women taken in the raid appeared confused when reporters surrounded her and demanded answers to the charges. Ms. St. John repeatedly denied any allegations of child torture at the cult’s complex, and grew agitated when reporters questioned her about the simple white shirt with pleats, brown skirt, and sensible shoes she wore. Ms. Sylvia Branson, author of the book “I’ve Never Been in a Cult, but I’ve Read About Them” and paid consultant to the local police department stated that Ms. St. John’s reaction to the questioning most likely stemmed from being taught to distrust local authorities, and to lie when approached to hide the cult’s vile secrets of satanic rituals and child sacrifices.

Other members, when asked why the community was gated, insisted it was to keep out non-residents and “unsavory” elements, leading police to believe that the cult was also producing illegal drugs.

It was recently revealed that Ms. Bidness was actually a 16 year old boy whose grandfather lived at the heavily armed and gated assisted living cult. Bitter over the lack of internet connection at the complex, Ms. Bidness made the call so he could play World of Warcraft, an educational game that teaches youngsters how to work well with others and be productive, instead of visit his relatives.

The cult members are being held at the local jail until the entire complex is leveled, and ground penetrating radar studies are performed to locate the dungeons and torture chambers.